15 Unit Week Alert

Lots of moving and shaking going on in the Major League Lock Club during Week Three.  The Curse of First struck for the first time (when the leader coming into the week goes 0-3).  The good news for Golf Coach is he was kicking everyone's ass so bad, he is still tied for 2nd and only one point out of the lead.  We had 33 units worth of Vapor Locks come through and 32 units of Vapor Locks not.  Meehoe jumped all of the way from 10th into 1st on the strength of his Michigan pick.  Gator had his first cover but still managed to lose 11 units on the week.  But the biggest props of the week are split between Uncle PJ (seen above with his adoring public) and Roy Betterman,

Perfection is perfected so I'ma let 'em understand.  Uncle PJ dropped the FULL 15 UNIT WEEK on that ass like he was Snoop and the rest of us were the bitches in the living room gettin' it on (and you better believe we were expected to stay until 6 in tha moanin').  Meanwhile, let us pay our proper respects to Roy Betterman who also achieved perfection for the FULL -15 UNIT WEEK.  Roy's career in the MLLC has kind of mirrored that of CM Punk thus far.  He came in highly touted and immediately earned respect.  This was followed by proof he wasn't ready to main event the big show and ended with a true ass kicking that left no doubt.  My man is currently reeling, riding a six-game losing streak and sitting at -21 units.

In other news, Str8 Cash Homie had a rough week, dropping from 4th to 14th as a result of losing five in a row.  He did manage to right the ship with his Prime Time selection of Dallas (it is worth noting he is the only member of this league to ever play for a team he is wagering on).  If nothing else, history has shown us that Str8 Cash Homie is a man of streaks,  It may not be good news for the league that he has gotten his down spell out of the way early.  The same can be said for 5 Strong Football who managed to move up nine spots on the strength of their College Vapor Lock.

News and Notes from Week 3
3-0 Club - Uncle PJ and J Browns Mom
0-3 Club - The TOMizzle, Roy Betterman, Golf Coach
Free Falling - Roy Betterman dropped 10 spots from 12th to 22nd
High Riser - Uncle PJ moved up 11 spots from 17th to 6th and is only 2 units out of first

BO-LIEVE in Dallas

Many, many times I have uttered this phrase, but none more emphatically than tonight.  After the miraculous backdoor action from last night, I felt destined for the perfect 3-0 week.  I watched gleefully as pick after pick went wrong for everyone else today, sure the Steelers would roll the hapless Eggles.  Then the game started.  It hit me that I would actually have to pull for the Steelers.  Then it really hit me - THEY knew I had to pull for them, and they were going to stick up my @$$ all day long.  Not only did they fail to cover, they ensured I lost the largest cover of an NFL Day Game (tip of the cap to Edge who now holds the number at 34.5).  I played myself and didn't even get to enjoy seeing those a-holes get embarrassed.

It could be worse.  I could be Gator or Lights Out - both lost 11 point Vapor Locks.  At the other end of the spectrum, congrats to the aforementioned Edge.  A Bears win tonight and he will enter Week 4 at least tied for the lead.

Speaking of tonight, Meehoe, Str8 Cash Homie, T-$, Dommie Kosar, Achilles, Uncle PJ, The King, The Whole F'n Show, Lights Out, Bam Bam, Uncle Money, Reaper, and JBrowns Mom all have the Bears.  Edge, Cheesesteak, and KOLY all have DA BEARS.  I BO-LIEVE the "Bo" Dallas Cowboys will be doing a victory lap much like the one seen below.

This is after Dallas beat Da Bulls.  Wait until tonight.

Festivus Comes Early

Things were looking pretty bleak for the Greatest College Football Tout in the History of the Major League Lock Club and his five like-minded peers.  Stanford had shown no ability to throw the ball effectively and faced a four point deficit in the waning minutes of their game against UCLA.  I settled into bed and did my best Best of Times impression.  I rubbed my wife's back as I watched the game, volume off, on my phone.  I stayed more or less emotionless as the Tree systematically drove down the field to earn a push with less than a minute remaining.  I decided not to "push" my luck and turned the game off.  Imagine my surprise when I logged back on a little while later to find a Festivus Miracle had taken place.  The only person happier than me must have been Uncle PJ who won his 11 point Vapor Lock.  Speaking of Vapor Locks, Meehoe (Michigan) and 5 Strong Football (Louisville) both landed their VL's as well.  Roy Betterman (LSU) was not so lucky.  In bonus money news, Meehoe grabbed the prize money for largest College Vapor cover by 1 point.

In other college news, Notre Dame SUCKS!  They are a bad Big Ten team.  It begs the question, who is the best team college team in Indiana.  Right now I would have to put my money on the defending NAIA National Champion Marian Knights.  KOLY has literally gone from the OUThouse to the penthouse as he finds himself sitting atop the league a little more than a year since being kicked out.  Gator and the Whole F'n Show got on the board with their first wins of the year.  They are currently tied with Bam Bam for DFL.  As a group we went 17-6 for +51 units.

NFL DAY GAME ACTION

1:00
Miami -9.5 (Meehoe, Uncle Money) vs Cleveland
Arizona -4 (Captain, TOMizzle, The King, Whole F'n Show, Easy Money) vs Buffalo
Carolina -7 (Achilles, KOLY, and Golf Coach) vs Minnesota
Cincinnati -3 vs Denver (Cheesesteak)
Baltimore -1 (JBrown's Mom) vs Jacksonville (Roy Betterman)

4:00
Pittsburgh -3.5 (Str8 Cash Homie, T-$, Dommie Kosar) vs Philly (Edge)
Kansas City -3 (5 Strong) vs NY Jets
Indianapolis -3 (Uncle PJ, Bam Bam) vs San Diego (Lights Out**)
Tampa Bay -5.5 (Gator**, Reaper) vs Los Angeles

Saturday Midday Update

Dateline - Arni's 13:27 9/24/2016

I am currently sitting at Arni's watching Purdue fall to Nevada. The computer is dead and the blogger app sucks - so here's what you get.

Quick update on the early games: Bama may earn the biggest cover of a cover even though their spread was -43.5. They are abusing a hapless Kent St on the SEC network. Despite spotting USF 14 points in the first 4 minutes of the game, the Noles are looking more than solid against the Golden Bulls on ABC. Iowa, on the other hand, is scoreless against the Scarlet Knights on ESPN 2.

We will have four more games kickoff at 3:30. Meehoe and The King are riding with the Booger Eater -18.5 against the fighting Paedophiles on ABC. Meehoe threw down the 11 unit Vapor Lock on it. The Fighting Irish -20.5 hope to bounce back after last week's ass kicking when they face the Dukies on NBC. Str8 Cash Homie and our leader believe they will. Donnie Kosar likes upstart App State at -6 vs the Zips on ESPN 3. Finally, Bam Bam is betting Pat Kuntz's defense will ensure a Hoosier cover -7.5 over Wake Forest on the BTN.

There are two 6:00 starts. The Reaper choose an NAIA game, taking Ball State -3.5 vs FAU. This shit show isn't even going to be televised. Roy Betterment issued his college Vapor Lock on the LSU Tigers -3.5 vs Auburn in what should he an interesting game on ESPN.

At 7:00, JBrowns Mom hopes to quit bringing up the rear. Hopefully Western Michigan -7 will end his taking it up the rear when they face Georgia Southern on ESPN 3.

The last two games will start at 8:00. First, Louisville -26.5 will battle the Thundering Herd on CBSSC. Achilles, KOLY, and 5 Strong (Vapor) will be pulling for the 'Ville.  The biggest game of the day is definitely the Stanford -3 vs UCLA showdown on ABC. Captain, T- $, Uncle PJ (Vapor), Whole F'n Show, Gator, and Easy Money all think the trees will prevail for a total of 28 units. I'm not going to lie, had I made my picks after WFnS and Gator backed Stanford, I would have gone with South Carolina.

DO Pimps Cry?

Lots of interesting developments during Week 2.  It all got started when newcomer Cheesesteak decided to throw down the gauntlet, using all three of his Vapor Locks in one fell swoop.  After clinching his 11 unit play, things quickly unraveled.  Failing to cover with his last two selections, he fell back below the 0 line.  It is worth noting that no MLLC Champion has ever gone 1-2 on Vapors for the year.  It is also worth noting that Cheesesteak's leader and mentor, JBrowns Mom (literally and figuratively) is not in a much better spot after going 0-2 with his initial Vapor Lock offerings.  So much so, he has managed to move into last even though two other members have yet to win a game!

Speaking of the win-less, how the mighty have fallen.  The mighty, mighty Gator - the all-time units, win, and money leader coming into the season (who won the title running away last season) - finds himself a perfect 0-6.  Ever since Lane Kiffin royaled f'ed him over (and many of you as well) at the end of the first game of the year, he has been spiraling out of control like after Mr. Lawrence Skates got his first taste of Wild Turkey.  Truth be told, I'd be shocked to see either him or The Whole F'n Show still searching for their first win heading into Week Four.  0-9?  Gator Don't Play that Shit!

The Sad Onions Club was standing room only this week.  Not only were the aforementioned regulars back, they were joined by four fresh faces.  Uncle PJ, delirious with fever, was unable to find a win.  Roy Betterman took Da Bears, DA BEARS on a nationally televised prime time game!  Even our two-headed monster (not to be confused with the one-eyed monster JBrowns Mom likes so much) couldn't come through with a winner.  The Biggest Loser of the Week was The TOMizzle whose 0-3 week dropped him 10 spots in the standings.

On a positive note, your beloved commissioner came up on fat money this week over the first two sets.  It started when Army unleashed a biblical ass-whipping on UTEP Saturday night, covering their spread by 48.5 points.  The beatings continued into Sunday afternoon.  While most of you were watching precious units slip away in LA, Coach Arians was bringing home the green guys for T-$.  The Cardinals managed to cover their spread by 26.5.  Neither of these are guaranteed to last the test of the next 11 weeks, but I would rather be me than you.

News and Notes for Week 2

3-0 Club:  KOLY (currently tied for 2nd)
0-3 Club:  5 Strong Football, The TOMizzle, Uncle PJ, The Whole F'n Show, Gator, and Roy Betterman
Free Falling:  The TOMizzle dropped 10 places in the standings
High Riser:  Dommie Kosar jumped 11 places

1 Down, 2 To Go

Cheesesteak is officially on his way to the fabled +25 unit weekend.  The Buckeyes covered for him on his biggest Vapor Lock of the three.  He now needs Seattle to cover -6.5 versus the Rams.  This was the most popular pick of the NFL Day games with 5 members liking the Seahawks' chances.

As for the other Saturday action, surprise!  Michigan State is better than advertised, and Notre Dame is worse.  Since that's pretty much the case every year, I'll just go ahead and tag that #2017Spoilers.  Bam Bam got his first MLLC victory, while Gator and the Whole F'n Show dipped all of the way down to -16.  T-$'s Black Knights managed to cover their spread by 48.5 points, giving him a solid shot at taking home some bonus money.

Here are today and tonight's plays:
1:00 New England -6.5 (DD*, King, Edge, Reap) vs Miami (Meehoe)
1:00 San Francisco +13.5 (LO) vs Carolina (U$)
1:00 New Orleans +4.5 (GC) vs NY Giants (Cap)
1:00 Baltimore -6.5 (5SF, RB) vs Cleveland
1:00 Houston -2.5 (ach) vs Kansas City (PJ)
1:00 Detroit -5.5 (WFnS) vs Tennessee
1:00 Pittsburgh -3.5 (KOLY) vs Cincinnati
4:05 Arizona -6.5 (T$) vs Tampa Bay
4:05 Seattle -6.5 (BB, TOM, CS*, Gator, JBM) vs LA
4:25 Indianapolis +6 (SCH) vs Denver
4:25 Oakland -4.5 (E$) vs Atlanta

SNF - Green Bay -2 (JBM*, Reap, E$, U$, Gator, WFnS, King, T$, DD, BB, TOM, CS*, Meehoe, SCH, 5SF, Ach, PJ) vs Minnesota (LO)
MNF - Chicago -3 (GC, RB) vs Philly (Edge, KOLY, Cap)

All In

We are officially on Day 11 of Season 3 of the Major League Lock Club.  Seems crazy we already have someone who has used two of their three Vapor Locks.  IT IS CRAZY THAT WE HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS USING THEM ALL THIS WEEK!  Cheesesteak says "F' it!  I'm all in, BITCHES!"  Will he bring home the fabled +25 unit week?  Let's be honest, we all hope not!

All eyes will be focused on the field Phil Fullmer built at noon on the SEC Network.  Well, maybe not all eyes, but at least The TOMizzle, Gator, KOLY, and Str8 Cash Homie all have units riding on the Vols -27.5.  Dirty D went the other way, laying units on the Bobcats of Ohio.  Over on the Big Ten Network, Wisconsin -34.5 will face Georgia State.  5 Strong Football, The Whole F'n Show, and Roy Betterman will all be pulling for Wisky to "Cover That Spread!"  Lights Out will be tuning into ABC to see the 'Noles -2 battle the 'Ville.  Easy Money will be searching the radio dial for the broadcast of The U -3.5 vs Appalachian State.  The last noon game will also not be televised when Captain's Scarlet Knights -5.5 face New Mexico.

It's booger eating time at 3:30 when Michigan -20.5 (Uncle PJ, The King) takes on the fighting Rashaan Salaams on the Big Ten Network.  Also at 3:30, Golf Coach hopes OK State -6 can rebound against Larry Fitzgerald's alma mater on ESPN.

Speaking of Michigan, Sparty +7.5 (Meehoe) will be making his 2016 MLLC debut when he faces the Fighting Irish at 7:30 on NBC.  Before that, T-$ will be using Tuned-In Radio to follow Army -3.5 vs UTEP at 7:00.  Edge will be dialed into ESPN to watch Auburn -3.5 face the Aggies.  Burned by Central Michigan last week, Reaper is hoping to get his first MLLC cover when Maryland -9 face them on CBSSN.  At 7:30, the first part of Cheesesteak's Triple Vapor Lock Party Pack (the Ohio State University Buckeyes -1.5) will be taking on the Boomer Sooners on FOX.  Achilles is hoping to piggyback off of Cheesesteak's monumental weekend, taking the Buckeyes as well.  At 8:00, Stanford -8.5 (Bam Bam) will square off with the Trojans on ABC.

JBrowns Mom must really hate Mormons as he has picked against BYU again.  At 10:15, UCLA -3 will try to get that cover that so narrowly escaped Utah last week.  This game will be on ESPN 2.  The last game of the evening finally kicks off at 10:45 when the aforementioned Utes -13 (Uncle Money) do battle with the Spartans on CBSSN.

Kissing Your Sister

We are getting quite a few "firsts" out of the way today.  Dallas and NYG brought us our first tie of the season when the Giants won by a point.  Ties result in a true push.  No units are added or subtracted.  Five people had action on this game, so five people will enter the Prime Time games with the same number of points they had after the College games.

Like my man pictured above (Adam Dunn), we've been doing a lot of swinging and missing.  After rocking a 9-14 record yesterday, we really stepped up our game to go 3-15-5.  We were one point away from going 4-19 if you think about it.  It can only get better from here.  OR CAN IT?

The New Guys have been a mixed bag.  Uncle Money is 2-0.  KOLY and Roy Betterman are in the black.  The rest of you....well, the seven of you have mustered one win.  "Donations!  Donations!"  "I thought it was the trash."

It's a long year.  We're just getting started.  I have faith one of you new guys will smash Golf Coach's record for ineptitude!  Look at him now, 2-0 and currently sitting in the money.

Prime Time Action
Arizona -6 (Meehoe, Uncle PJ, Bam Bam, Uncle Money, Easy Money, Reaper) vs New England (KOLY, The King, 5 Strong Football)

Pittsburgh -3 (Str8 Cash Homie, Captain, The TOMizzle, Edge, Cheesesteak, JBrowns Mom, Golf Coach) vs Washington (Gator, T-$)

LA Rams -2.5 (Lights Out, Whole F'n Show, Achilles, Dirty D) vs San Francisco (Roy Betterman)

By Hook or By Crook

The first seven hours of this season's MLLC action looked about like the first three minutes of CM Punk's MMA career.  The noon kickoffs were a slaughter.  UMass seemed to have the spread in hand before letting it slip away late.  Clemson eeked out a tight win, falling about 34 points short of a cover.  Somehow Central Florida managed to give up almost 60 points in a monsoon.  And Purdue, well, looked a lot like Purdue.

The real heartbreak came with the afternoon tilts.  The Hurrying Hoosiers seemed to have everything under control at 30-3 in the 3rd qaurter before completely falling apart.  Had there been a fifth quarter, they would have lost.  Bang Bang Duke Gang lost at home to perennial powerhouse Wake Forest.  But the biggest flop of the week was by far the Alabama Crimson Tide fumbling away a sure cover late in the game.  I'm sure Captain, Gator, Lights Out and Bam Bam were living vicariously through the Old Red Ass as he was ripping Lane Kiffin a new one.  Damn that hook!

It wasn't all bad news.  Str8 Cash Homie saw the ballsiest call of his MLLC career pay off when the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame managed to cover the spread by 1 point against Nevada.  His 11 unit play means he has a commanding lead after one game.  OH-IO State also came through for Meehoe and the Uncles.  Finally, it is worth noting that the largest cover of the day went to Golf Coach.  It was great to be a Florida Gator as they covered their spread by 21.5 points, making GC the early leader for the Largest College Cover of the season.  Not bad for a guy that finished with a record worst -43 units last year.  IT'S A NEW DAY!

On the whole, the league fared much better with the evening contests.  The Ragin' Cajuns kept it under the 46.5 they were spotted to give a win to last year's runner-up, The TOMizzle.  The U came through for newcomers Easy Money and Roy Betterman.  Finally, Ryan Leaf's alma mater pulled off the come from behind cover for T-$.  After watching a shit show of a UFC event, I couldn't bring myself to stay up past 1 and the start of the fourth quarter of this game.  When I shut it down, WSU has trailing 28-7, so I went ahead and put myself down for -4.  To my surprise, the Cougars came roaring back to only lose by 3 and "COVER THAT SPREAD" by 8.5.  YEAH BOY!

The biggest low light of the day happened to JBrowns Mom.  While the Utes did manage to pull out the Big Love Bowl victory, they missed covering the spread by 2.5 points.  JBM fell to last place on the strength of his 10 unit Vapor Lock.

So after 24 hours, we are 9-14 for a total of -16 units.  Here's a look at today's action:

1 o'clock games
Vikings -2 (Uncle Money) vs Tennessee (The TOMizzle, The King)
Philadelphia -4 vs Cleveland (Dirty D, Meehoe, Roy Betterman)
Baltimore -3 (Golf Coach) vs Buffalo
Kansas City -6.5 (Edge, Easy Money) vs San Diego
New Orleans -1 (Reaper, Bam Bam) vs Oakland (KOLY)
Green Bay -5.5 (JBrowns Mom, Cheesesteak, Gator, Whole F'n Show) vs Jacksonville

4 o'clock games
Seattle -10.5 (T-$) vs Miami
NY Giants -1 (Achilles, 5 Strong Football) vs Dallas (Str8 Cash Homie, Uncle PJ, Lights Out)
Colts -3.5 (Captain) vs Detroit

It's a NEW DAY!

Don't you dare be sour!  Clap your hands, and FEEL THE POWER!!  It's a NEW DAY!!!!

So here we are.  Are you f-ing jacked out of your mind for some new Major League Lock Club?  I said, "ARE YOU F-ING JACKED OUT OF YOUR MIND FOR SOME NEW MAJOR LEAGUE LOCK CLUB?!?!?!?!?"  Well, the day has finally come.  Our numbers have swollen to 23 members with a pot of $2,200.  Not only that, but we will also be playing for the Holly Lambert Memorial Trophy.  What more can one ask for?

There are plenty of new faces to meet and greet.  The IFD will be further represented by Chris "Lights Out" Lytle, Joe "Bam Bam" Baumann, Matt "Uncle Money" Henss, Tony "Edge" Matthews, Jeff "Cheesesteak" Brown, Damon "Reaper" Branson, and Tim "JBrowns Mom" Lavin.  New civilians include Joe "Roy Betterman" Gudeman, Silas "Easy Money" Dust, and Chris "(K)icked (O)ut (L)ast (Y)ear" Barney.  Let's be honest:  some of you were brought in to up the prestige of the league, but most are little more than a donation source.

For the old heads, we have some moniker changes from 2015.  After much deliberation, Jimmy "AAN" Banks has changed his name to Str8 Cash Homie.  CDes/Bink have elected to go with 5 Strong Football.  Keith "Hitman" Jackson will now be known as Achilles.  Finally, after celebrating a full year as Player Hater of the Year, Trevor "Silky Johnson" Wilson will once again be referred to as T-$.

A few brief notes as we head into Saturday's college action:
Our defending Champion and All-Time Unit Leader (Kevin "Gator" Holman) also holds the record for most All Time Wins at 46.
T-$ is the All Time College Wins Leader at 18 (18-7-1 over two seasons).
Spencer "The King" King holds the mark for Most Losses All Time at 42.
Pat "Uncle PJ" Miles holds the mark for Most College Losses All Time at 13.

Saturday's Action Breakdown
There are four games in play starting around noon.  Reaper chose the Golden Knights of Central Florida +35.5 as his inaugural pick in their contest against Michigan on ABC.  5 Strong Football will be pulling for their alma mater UMASS +17 as they battle the Catholics from Bean Town.  This game can be found on ESPN3.  At the same time, KOLY will be hoping the Black and Gold of Purdue +6 won't get steamrolled by Hayden Moore and the Bearcats on the BTN.  At 12:30, Edge will be focusing on Death Valley and the Clemson Tigers -36 as they battle the Men of Troy.  This game is also on ESPN 3.

Most league action will get going between 3:30 and 4:00.  David "Meehoe" Meehan, Uncle PJ, and Uncle Money will be watching the Ohio State Buckeyes -28.5 on ABC at 3:30 as they host Tulsa.  Captain Ronnie "Captain" Anderson, Gator, Lights Out, and Bam Bam will all be pulling for the Ultimate Red Ass and his mighty 'Bama Crimson Tide -28.5 when they face those wily Hill Toppers of Western Kentucky on ESPN2 at 3:30.  At the same time, The King and Eric "The Whole F'n Show" Nowlin will supporting the Duke Gang -5.5 as they battle their own Demons from Wake Forrest on ESPNU.  Bryan "Golf Coach" Hendricks will be praying he can get off to a better start this year than last when the Florida Gators -16.5 take on Jared Lorenzen's alma mater on CBS.  No one will be paying more attention to their Saturday game than Str8 Cash Homie as he has dropped the 11 point VAPOR LOCK on the first game of the season, taking Notre Dame at -28 over the Wolfpack (don't turn your back on the Wolfpack - NWO 4 Life) on NBC.  Finally, 4:00 will see the Hurrying Hoosiers -18 kicking off against the hapless Cardinals of Ball State.  Dominic "Dirty D" Desando, Achilles, and Cheesesteak will be tuning into ESPNN for this titanic struggle.

The evening gets started at 6:00 with The U -24.5 facing FAU Schwartz.  Both Easy Money and Roy Betterman are feeling pretty confident the broadcast on the ACC Network/WatchESPN will be to their liking.  At 7:00, Tom "The TOMizzle" Morgan will be scouring Tuned-In radio for a broadcast  of the Ragin' Cajuns trying to keep it within 46.5 against the Sooners.  The 7:30 start on FOX will bring us our second VAPOR LOCK of the day/year when Utah -3.5 matches up against BYU in the Big Love Bowl.  As the norm, JBrown's Mom is hoping the secularists are willing and able to pull it out.  The last battle of the night will feature the Washington State Cougars +11.5 heading east to the big blue turf.  T-$ is hoping they can keep the Broncos at bay and run his All Time College win total to 19.

Good luck, gentlemen.  Look for an update sometime before noon on Sunday.